I miss the comfort of predictability

After college, I was ridiculously predictable. I would wake before the sun rose. I would put on the work out clothes I selected the night before. I'd put on light makeup and put my hair up, usually in a french braid. I liked to run and work out every morning. If it was a weekend, I'd shower, dress casually and take my children with me on a side gig or to a volunteer location. If it was a week day, I'd shower and dress predictably. I worked week days. I was always well put together. I always wore a suit. I always wore my hair in a french bun. I'd get my children up, dressed, fed, and either to my parents when I still lived close or to school and daycare when I lived further away. I always ate lunch with the same people, unless there was a meeting. I always had something going on after work. I went to grad school three nights a week. I always ran in the evening. It helped me wind down. When I lived close to home, my family watched my children. When I moved further away, I took them with me. I could always find a small track that surround a playground someplace. I've always been a work-a-holic. I've always loved to run. I loved taking my children out. I loved driving. They enjoyed the ride and seeing new places. We could commonly be found at museums and zoos, hiking, spelunking, swimming, or feeding the ducks. These days, my life is more chaotic. Sometimes, I wake and can't breathe. I no longer have the comforting order of my youth. I miss being formidable and capable. I miss having the ability and freedom to go when and wherever I pleased. I'm disappointed that my younger self didn't appreciate and took forgranted the many things I long to be capable of performing again. I can't put my hair in a french braid or bun. My fingers lack the coordination and dexterity. I can't run or drive. I really miss the freedom.